Let’s talk about control.
Autistics have a deep seated need for
control. A need for routine, and to control our environments is paramount. In
fact, it is very difficult for us not to do things the way we have always done
them; the way we know they should be
done. Unfortunately, my rigid, often
completely inflexible thinking does not allow me to be flexible (I am working
on it). The problem is when things don’t go as planned, as expected, as they
should go, I come unglued.
Children can have complete
meltdowns with small changes in their routines, heck I can have a complete
meltdown with small changes. I even need
to make a list of all the stores I need to shop in and in which order I will
visit them. Believe me these lists are
well thought out, planned, and I have a reason for the order (although you may
not see it).
If my shopping trip, which is
already a sensory nightmare, goes askew, I am done. I might as well go home,
and you may be able to find me in the parking lot of a large shopping center in
tears. I can’t get away from my plan; I need to follow it precisely.
The same goes double for holiday
preparations. I am a complete Christmas
control freak. I take way too long to pick out the perfect Christmas tree, and
then figure out how many strings of lights it needs. When it comes to decorating the tree, there
is an order I must follow. First all the
white balls go on the tree, and then the red ones. The red ones must be spread out evenly so they are not too bunched up
and the dots of red are sprinkled through the spruce. Then and only then, do I
begin to distribute the nicer ornaments, the heirlooms, and other
decorations. After that, garland, Father
Christmas, ribbons, and the snow—in that order, no changes.
MUST FOLLOW THE PLAN
Needless to say, I am not very fun
to trim the tree with. I don’t mean to be completely neurotic, I cannot help
it. We MUST FOLLOW THE PLAN! Again, there is a reason for my plan, and a reason
for the order we must trim the tree in, but if I begin to tell you what it is
we will be here all day. Why don’t they
just trust me?
In my last post, I discussed our
problems with gift giving and receiving. We hate surprises! To be honest,
surprises are stressful, and I can wind up a teary mess, as can my Aspie
Teen. Therefore, all gift giving is
thoroughly planned out. I have lists of people, lists of gifts, prices,
coupons, store locations—it’s very comprehensive.
Before diagnosis I just believed as
I was told, I was a neurotic lunatic!
There still may be some truth to that statement. But, now understanding
my need for routine and order coupled with my need to plan and know what to
expect, my family can now adjust. I in
turn can learn to let go a little bit knowing that many times it is just my
autism jumping in and interfering with my flexibility.
This year was better (so far), we
all trimmed the tree, and I tried not to touch it too much. I tend to re-place all the ornaments that
everyone places because they are not in the right spots. This time I just
handed the ornaments out—in order of course.
Then I saved the last few things that I couldn’t be flexible about to do
myself. I spent much less time being annoyed, yelling, and making everyone
re-do the tree.
No Surprises!
Now let’s go back to gift giving
for a moment. I told you that we all make our Christmas lists. This year, and he has done this every year,
Aspie Teen is trying to micro-manage my Christmas shopping. He always makes me a list (his Santa List)
complete with prices and pictures (I wonder where he gets that from??), and
then he starts to obsess about it. Adjusting his list, removing things,
replacing things, finding better deals, and in general driving Mom crazy!
He has asked me for the Assassin’s
Creed Gauntlet. It is a replica of a weapon from one of his video games. The
thing has been on backorder since October. Would you believe that he has been
monitoring the backorder situation and has found that it is now available in
limited quantities online. Last night, I
caught him researching what materials the thing is made of, some kind of
polymer plastic, and something else (I wasn’t really listening too intently
since he’s been driving me crazy about this thing since October).
I tell him every year to make me a
list of all his most wanted gifts, and we will see what he gets. (It was easier
when he still believed in Santa!) It goes in one ear, and right out the other. Every day so far since giving me his list, he
checks on my progress.
“Mom, did you buy…yet? Because …has
it on sale right now.” He says.
He is driving me absolutely
bonkers, and making me wonder if I am this bad!
The answer: Yes.
In fact, I buy my own Christmas
gifts! Then I tell my husband, “Here,
this is from you. These are from the
kids…etc.” So unfortunately I must report that not only am I as bad as Aspie
Teen, I am probably worse!
Don’t be too dismayed, I drag my
husband into the stores now and make him pick out his own gifts too. There really is no reason to spend time and
money on getting him something he doesn’t really want. If I do pick up a gift without him, I always
show it to him to make sure he will like it before I wrap it up and put it
under the tree. Poor guy, no surprises
for him either—ever.
