Does Asperger’s Make It Harder to Know Yourself?

A few months ago, I made the startling discovery that I don’t really know myself all that well.  In fact, I didn’t even know what I liked to eat—not without considering everyone else around me. That even sounds weird to me. As I write this, I am thinking that I have always known what I liked, and what I didn’t—remember, The Flying Christmas Fork, or I’m Not Wearing That.

When did all that change? When did I completely lose myself?

I was unable to concentrate at home, or get anything at all done. A research project was due for a New Media Writing and Publishing class I was taking, and I could not get two minutes of peace.  So, I grabbed my Ipad and left for the mall (I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go). I figured I would go get a bite to eat, and then head over to Barnes and Nobles, and work on my research.

I strolled into the food court alone, something I never do, and began walking down the line of restaurants all beckoning me to order from their places. I strolled past Primo Pizza and thought, Matty loves the pizza, maybe I should get pizza. A & D Wings, I could split a wings platter with Adam, or get some fries to share with the baby…

The trouble was that none of them were with me. I was lost. I stood there confused, and realized I had no idea what I WANTED TO EAT or WHAT I LIKED TO EAT from the food court. I hadn’t considered what I might really want for a very long time. Not wanting to waste anymore of my precious research time on my decision, I grabbed a philly cheese steak, some fries, and a coke, and then made my way to a table by the window. 

Yes—it was noisy in the food court, but at least I was armed with my ear plugs this time. I popped those babies in, and then went to work researching and nibbling on my food.  I noticed that I didn’t care much for the sandwich, why did I buy that anyway?

A further evaluation revealed my problem was larger than not knowing what I like to eat at the mall.  I no longer really knew what I liked—period.

“What do you like to do?” Someone asked. “Do you have any hobbies?”

No, and I don’t know, was all I could answer, and it was the truth.  I really didn’t know.

Do you know yourself? Do you know your likes and dislikes? I didn’t so—I’ve resolved to figure it out.

I think it is easier to list the things that we like, but harder to admit what we do not. At least, for me, it is. It is easy to say, I like to curl up by myself and read. I like to wrap myself in the softest, furriest, fuzziest blankets I can find. I like to sit here on the computer and blog surf. I like to write, and write, and write. But—what I do not like is probably less acceptable, and brings on the guilt.

It is hard to admit when we do not like things that we are supposed to like, or want to do happily. I do not intend to, or want to work a regular 9-5 job! It is out of my range of possibilities, AND I do not even have the desire. But—I do not entirely like being at home all day long either. I despise housekeeping. I hate cleaning dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, and cooking three meals per day. These are some things that many women would love to be able to do, but I am lonely. I am frustrated, and constantly feel useless, unaccomplished, and depressed. I want OUT!

I want to get out of the house (not every day) but sometimes, or I want to be able to get some part-time daycare for the little guy so I can have some uninterrupted time to myself, to write, and accomplish something I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH. And, of course, I feel guilty for wanting that little bit of time for me. If I spent my time at a job making money (benefitting the family) then I would feel less guilty, but just so I can enjoy something I want to do—well, that is a whole other story.

Ok—I did it.

I said, one of the top things on my list of dislikes—staying home all day long, and housekeeping. I hate it, and I wish I didn’t have to do it. Are there things that you completely hate, despise, dislike, that you have not admitted even to yourself?

I have another—I do not like to talk on the phone. No, not for one single second, and so I avoid it.  I avoid calling people, I avoid answering the phone, I even avoid making necessary appointments with doctors because I can’t stand picking up that receiver!

I have even stopped calling my family on the holidays, or my dad for his birthday (shame on me). When I do call, I stress, and avoid it and put the phone call off until the last possible second. I have a load of theories as to why I hate being on the phone so intensely, but that could be a short novel in and of itself.

I’ve given two—your turn.

What do you REALLY REALLY dislike? Or like? (Even the weird stuff, I want to know—seriously.)

Do you think having difficulty knowing yourself is related to your ASD? Or is it just the actual likes and dislikes that are related? (i.e. not liking talking on the phone, or unending tasks)

Not sure what you like/dislike? I wasn’t either, but this blog post was very helpful: Getting to Know Yourself: The Greatest Discovery of All

Aspie Writer on Loving Yourself

Thanks to a wonderful commenter on my wordpress blog where I am blogging my book, Twirling Naked in the Streets—and No-One Noticed, a book about growing up with undiagnosed autism, I have found the Prolific Living website/blog.

I have become engrossed in the writing and ideas that the author shares about life, goals, and being true to yourself—something I seriously struggle with, and suspect many others on the autism spectrum do as well.

I came upon this at a timely part of the year, the time of year that I always re-evaluate and say that I want things to be differnet—to change.  Mostly, I want me to change.

I’ve never had much in the way of self-image, and self-confidence seems fairly foreign as well (although I am working on it). A lifetime of guilt and blame will do that to a person—kill any budding of self-confidence that tries to sprout. That was the biggest downside about growing up undiagnosed.

Last year, I decided to try the 27 day Journal Challenge—journaling my way to better health. I hate to admit that I didn’t even make it through half of the journaling exercises before I quit, or the insights into myself sent me into a deep depressive state.

I want to try it again…but frankly I still fear failure.  Maybe I will try it publically, like I am doing with writing my book—maybe I will blog the journaling, and in that way have you all keep me motivated.  Maybe I will do it if I know someone is watching….isn’t that terrible? Not being able to accomplish even a simple goal without some outside help. 

It actually drives me bonkers! Now at least, I am armed with the knowledge that it is not a horrid character flaw of mine, but that I struggle with executive functioning, the process that regulates our ability to work towards and complete goals.  It’s same process that makes sequencing tasks to accomplish goals extremely difficult.

This year, after clinking around on the Prolific Living site, I decided to sign up for the free email course on self-confidence. Yesterday, I received my first installment, and what do you suppose it was about?  Loving yourself—of all things.

Loving myself?  I have spent the majority of my adult life absolutely hating myself!

I hate the way I can’t complete anything I set out to do, how I lose interest in things easily, and how I cannot focus on something I hate no matter how hard I try or how important it is. I hate that I can’t manage to keep the house clean enough, or organized, and that we are late for absolutely everything. I hate that I always feel like a failure as a parent because everyone else’s kids seem to be able to sit still and quiet in restaurants and I can’t take mine out in public!

I feel like a constant failure—constantly striving for things that are out of my reach, and being embarrassed and scorned by the world. How then, can I begin to love myself? I must want to, since every year around the New Year I try something.

Being undiagnosed for the majority of my life has taken its toll—don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad. I have tried more things, and failed at more things, and then most people ever think about. I didn’t always fear failure; that came with time.

This year, armed with my new life (with the knowledge of my neurology) I am going to be working on letting go of the things that make me feel terrible about myself and work on doing things for me!  My goodness—this may be the hardest thing for me to do because I consistently feel guilty about trying to do anything for me.

I know that I am not alone in this. From the short conversations I have had with others on the autism spectrum, I realized that many do not love themselves. In fact, I don’t think they like themselves all that much most of the time. I know I didn’t.

So how am I going to love myself? Where can I possible begin?

Farnoosh Brock, the author of prolific living, in her 21-Step Confidence Building Series offers these Five Steps to get started:

 “1. Smile at yourself often - either in the mirror or just to yourself and really feel the happy feeling that comes from that. It has great power. This also releases tension and ease you into whatever you are doing.

2. Put yourself first more often - If you are used to putting everyone else's desires and needs before yours, it's time to switch things up. Be gentle and firm about it and go for it. You matter just as much as everyone else.

3. Look at your body with acceptance, not criticism - This doesn't mean that you are in the best shape of your life and should never seek to change. It just means that self-criticism won't get you to change and it actually makes things worse, so accept where things are first with love. 

4. Fill yourself with kind words and thoughts - You become your thoughts, and we talk about this more in the program. For now, love yourself by replacing the self-critical chatter in your head with the opposite - with kindness, and gentleness, and with a big proud "oh yeah" praise for who you are.

5. Do something just for yourself - And do this without feeling an ounce of guilt or shame. This can be ordering something, enjoying a luxury alone, or indulging in solitude with your favorite cuppa tea and a book. Do it feeling worthy of it because, well, you just are! “

Wow! I have a lot of work to do.

I struggle with everyone one of these steps, as I suspect many of us do. The hardest thing by far, is doing something just for me—followed closely by putting myself first.  These two things bring on a tremendous about of personal guilt that I NEED to shed!

I think I want to go lay in a tanning bed for a little while (I know—not the healthiest choice). I have not done that in at least eight years. I love the way the top pulls down when I hop in the bed surrounding me in a capsule of light, and how the bulbs warm my whole body at once. It feels like I am warming my bones…15 minutes of warmth, and quiet.  It is soothing for me. Tanning session, that is what I think I am going to do this week for me.

What would you like to do that would be just for yourself? Do you find it difficult, or struggle with guilt when considering doing something for yourself? Of, is it just me?